Short Story #2 - Propaganda
From: Office of the Senior Vice President
To: VEGA Mining Media Relations
Re: Company history
>Mr. Rumbelow – please find enclosed the first draft of the
>company history you requested. Please read through at your
>earliest convenience and add any comments or change requests you
>have.
Have added my comments in italics.
A HISTORY OF VEGA MINING OUTER OPERATIONS
(Draft copy)
[Title is too dry. Make it more personal, like 'A History of Our Company' or 'Our Family' -R]
Long ago, this region of space was discovered by long distance research probes launched by the inhabitants of planet Earth, the birthplace of the human race. After hundreds of years of travel, the probes sent back reports of unprecedented levels of natural resources and mineral wealth. With no sign of life or colonisation apparently since the beginning of the universe, the fruits of the sector were simply there for the taking.
[This is sounding more like a history of the sector than a history of the company. Scrap this whole paragraph. You're not writing for astrophysicists. -R]
Ownership of the resources was therefore available to the first entity to get there and start mining. Seeing the enormous potential for profit, the VEGA Corporation established VEGA Mining Outer Operations for immediate despatch to the galaxy's newest interstellar goldmine.
[I don't like all this talk of 'profit'. That is not VEGA's sole, crowning motivation. Replace 'seeing the enormous potential for profit' with something like 'in the pioneering spirit of scientific discovery' -R]
But with resources stretched tightly, VEGA were unwilling to commit large numbers of fleets to an unproven mining operation in deep space. Instead, VEGA Mining hired vast fleets of independent contract workers, who were permitted to join the operation under VEGA's guidance and protection, as long as they provided their own equipment and turned over all mined resources to VEGA's field command station.
However, even the might of VEGA cannot be everywhere at once, and the freedom permitted to the contracted miners led almost immediately to undeclared resources and smuggling, which in turn led to a high level of infighting, banditry and insurgency that VEGA Mining often has difficulty controlling even today.
[NO. State only that the company keeps and always has kept the entire sector under COMPLETE control. And remove the 'resources stretched tightly' part as well. Going forward, avoid all language that implies any kind of weakness or bad decision-making on the part of VEGA.]
Generations have passed since the beginning of VEGA Mining Outer Operation's grand excavation. The majority of the population, VEGA and mining contractor alike, were born out here, and have never even seen VEGA Corporation's main office, far away on old Earth. Indeed, nobody knows for certain what the resources we mine are even used for.
All we know is that it must be of the utmost importance, for the standing order to keep mining and sending resources home has been in place, unchanged, for as long as anyone can remember. An order which VEGA Mining Outer Operations continues to obey with the unquestioning loyalty that makes it a shining example of stability in an ever-changing sector.
[NO. NO. NO. You're making it sound like we just follow instructions and are kept in the dark. VEGA Mining Outer Operations is a highly respected component of VEGA's corporate structure and is closely involved with high-level decision-making. -R]
[Also this sector is not 'ever-changing', it is completely fixed and under control. See previous comments -R]
[I will refrain from reading the remainder of this work on the basis of the utter shambles you have made of it so far. Change everything in accordance with above guidelines and resubmit ASAP. I would like to inform you that, based on this submission, I have scheduled you for a level 3 loyalty check. Prepare yourself for an interview and quarters inspection. -R]
To: VEGA Mining Media Relations
Re: Company history
>Mr. Rumbelow – please find enclosed the first draft of the
>company history you requested. Please read through at your
>earliest convenience and add any comments or change requests you
>have.
Have added my comments in italics.
A HISTORY OF VEGA MINING OUTER OPERATIONS
(Draft copy)
[Title is too dry. Make it more personal, like 'A History of Our Company' or 'Our Family' -R]
Long ago, this region of space was discovered by long distance research probes launched by the inhabitants of planet Earth, the birthplace of the human race. After hundreds of years of travel, the probes sent back reports of unprecedented levels of natural resources and mineral wealth. With no sign of life or colonisation apparently since the beginning of the universe, the fruits of the sector were simply there for the taking.
[This is sounding more like a history of the sector than a history of the company. Scrap this whole paragraph. You're not writing for astrophysicists. -R]
Ownership of the resources was therefore available to the first entity to get there and start mining. Seeing the enormous potential for profit, the VEGA Corporation established VEGA Mining Outer Operations for immediate despatch to the galaxy's newest interstellar goldmine.
[I don't like all this talk of 'profit'. That is not VEGA's sole, crowning motivation. Replace 'seeing the enormous potential for profit' with something like 'in the pioneering spirit of scientific discovery' -R]
But with resources stretched tightly, VEGA were unwilling to commit large numbers of fleets to an unproven mining operation in deep space. Instead, VEGA Mining hired vast fleets of independent contract workers, who were permitted to join the operation under VEGA's guidance and protection, as long as they provided their own equipment and turned over all mined resources to VEGA's field command station.
However, even the might of VEGA cannot be everywhere at once, and the freedom permitted to the contracted miners led almost immediately to undeclared resources and smuggling, which in turn led to a high level of infighting, banditry and insurgency that VEGA Mining often has difficulty controlling even today.
[NO. State only that the company keeps and always has kept the entire sector under COMPLETE control. And remove the 'resources stretched tightly' part as well. Going forward, avoid all language that implies any kind of weakness or bad decision-making on the part of VEGA.]
Generations have passed since the beginning of VEGA Mining Outer Operation's grand excavation. The majority of the population, VEGA and mining contractor alike, were born out here, and have never even seen VEGA Corporation's main office, far away on old Earth. Indeed, nobody knows for certain what the resources we mine are even used for.
All we know is that it must be of the utmost importance, for the standing order to keep mining and sending resources home has been in place, unchanged, for as long as anyone can remember. An order which VEGA Mining Outer Operations continues to obey with the unquestioning loyalty that makes it a shining example of stability in an ever-changing sector.
[NO. NO. NO. You're making it sound like we just follow instructions and are kept in the dark. VEGA Mining Outer Operations is a highly respected component of VEGA's corporate structure and is closely involved with high-level decision-making. -R]
[Also this sector is not 'ever-changing', it is completely fixed and under control. See previous comments -R]
[I will refrain from reading the remainder of this work on the basis of the utter shambles you have made of it so far. Change everything in accordance with above guidelines and resubmit ASAP. I would like to inform you that, based on this submission, I have scheduled you for a level 3 loyalty check. Prepare yourself for an interview and quarters inspection. -R]
- Carter
Community Manager, Mobile Games
Community Manager, Mobile Games
VEGA Conflict, War Commander: Rogue Assault
Twitter: CarterGee / VEGAConflict
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