The story of Battle Pirates- Part 1

Hello_My_Name_Is_You
Hello_My_Name_Is_You
Minor Nuisance
Joined Dec 2013 Posts: 182
"Harlock, Co-operate?... Harlock, do you read?"
"Sorry Sir, was fighting off last of the Black Rebellion fleet"
It was 2057, the world was about to experience a catastrophic natural disaster, due to the actions of every living human being, the world was about to be completely flooded, the world had split into 2 groups, one was called the Forsaken, the other, the Black Rebellion, lead by Commander One, they fought over, something no one would never expect, life or death, they were trying to get hold of the world leaders special cargo and people carriers, built too hold over 3 billion people and 5 billion tonne's of cargo!

September-15th-2057- D.Day

"Um, Sir do you copy"

"Yes, Sargent Harlock, what is it?"

"I feel this war is at end"

"At last, tell me, how you know?"

"It's hear... We. We were too late Sir"

"We have fought our battle and done all we can, you have made the entire Forsaken proud"

"Thank you, sir"

"I'm, not to be named Sir anymore"

"What do you request then?"

"You shall thank, Admiral Dredge---"


D Day had come, everyone and everything had been wiped out, or so had been though


September- 20th-2057

Islands had been left around, just over 100,000 Forsaken had survive and were using these islands as there new homes, the Black Rebellion were thought to be no more, but they were, they just called them self, the Draconian's.


"Is anyone out there.. this is Sargent Harlock speaking, anyone out there"

"Yes this is Admiral Dredge, where are you"

"I am not sure, locals are telling me i am in Sector 1.7.9"

"What condition are you in?"

"Good, found an island, making it home, been able to salvage resources for buildings"

"Good, i am standing down as Forsaken Captain, Harlock, you are now Captain Harlock, my most trusted solider"

"Dredge?"

"I will keep a look out for any Black Rebellion Fleets"


from that day, as the city's, the countries, were all buried under water, each location was identified as a "Sector" there was 999 of these, the Forsaken were surviving and building well, there was a new hope born inside the Forsaken, Draconian Salvage fleets would pop up one in a while, transporting resources to attempt to take over islands, no more than 10 Draconian bases were found in each sector, but Forsaken were growing in numbers and fast.


October 2057

Dredge started to notice something on the boarder lines of each sector, it was just darkness, day by day it approached, until it became clear.

"Captain Harlock do you copy?"

"Still not used to that"

"Concentrate, i've identified the darkness, it is a gigantic horde of  Black Rebellion Fleets, bigger than ever seen before, everywhere"

"Oh ****, someone get me a ****, there not Black Rebellion no more, there named "Draconians". higher tech but still lead by Commander One and his new war chief, Maximillian Vassago"

"Captain, they are approaching fast and in numbers, what do you suggest we do"

" Option A. We can run some place else, Option B. call a meeting with the Forsaken Council"

"Dont make me regret my decision Harlock"

"Captain Harlock, Dredge, here's what we will do, we will attack and salvage all resources and blueprints we can, find out hoe to fight them again in the future and cut down the weak Forsaken and allow us to have room for more stronger soldiers"


From that day on every month the Draconians attacked, but failed and the forsaken became stronger so did the draconians.


To be Continued...


Where shall i pick it up from, guys?  


In Game Name: You
Current Sector: 182
Visited Sectors: 112, 149, 355, 147, 15, 225, 191, 499, 247, 427, 182
Level: 43
Member of KDE since 1/4/13



  • LOC_Preacher
    LOC_Preacher
    Skilled Warrior
    Joined Jun 2012 Posts: 380

    I liked it. Just make sure to proofread it. Even when you double checked it, check it again. Also, when a character speaks throw their name at the end so it doesn't get confusing. 

    .
  • FyreStorm
    FyreStorm
    Skilled Warrior
    Joined Nov 2012 Posts: 327

    Better than some the other stuff that has come out.  Like what was stated before keep an eye on the spelling.

    Battle pirates Hulls won: Corvette, Frigate, Destroyer, Destroyer X, Light Cruiser, Light Cruiser X, Battle Cruiser, Battle Cruiser X, Strike Cruiser X, Battleship, Battle Barge A, Levithan A, Floating Fortress A, Sea Scorpion A, Mercury, Hurricane, Hammer Head A, Hammer Head B, Mauler, Mako, Rampart...aww heck who cares I just have more hulls than I know what to do with.


    War Commander: Elite Riflemen, Elite Heavy Gunner, Honey  Badger, Attack Dogs
  • Lucky Luke
    Lucky Luke
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Dec 2011 Posts: 8,422

    I think You has quit the game

  • jimmymcgoochie
    jimmymcgoochie
    Master Tactician
    Joined Jan 2012 Posts: 2,161

    A few pointers, from someone who has been doing this 'BP-fan-fiction' thing for quite a long time:

    Always read through what you've written before posting it. Look for typos and grammar mistakes, readers will rapidly lose interest if there are a lot of either as it makes it harder to read. 

    Big walls of speech are not recommended- it's often unclear who has said what, especially if there are more than two people in the conversation. Even just putting in an occasional 'he/she/they/[character name] said' will clear that up, and make your story more readable. 

    Go easy on the commas! Shorter sentences are better than very long ones with many commas, and try to break the sentences up according to what is directly related to what. Short sentences work well if you're trying to put emphasis on it, especially in the context of much longer ones. Try and vary it a bit, all short sentences can seem disjointed and all long sentences is dull and monotonous.

    Just to show you what I mean, I'm going to do a wee bit of editing from your first paragraph.

    Original:

    It was 2057, the world was about to experience a catastrophic natural disaster, due to the actions of every living human being, the world was about to be completely flooded, the world had split into 2 groups, one was called the Forsaken, the other, the Black Rebellion, lead by Commander One, they fought over, something no one would never expect, life or death, they were trying to get hold of the world leaders special cargo and people carriers, built too hold over 3 billion people and 5 billion tonne's of cargo!

    And my edit:

    It was 2057. The world was about to experience a catastrophic natural disaster: due to the actions of every living human being, the world was about to be completely flooded. The world had split into 2 groups; one was called the Forsaken, the other, the Black Rebellion, lead by Commander One. They fought over something no one would ever expect, life or death; they were trying to get hold of the world leaders' special cargo and people carriers, built to hold over 3 billion people and 5 billion tonnes of cargo!

    Keep the story coming, it shows a lot of promise!

    My VC story: 
    Vega Conflict-er since closed beta phase 1, back when torpedo harriers ruled the sector.
    BP- started in the black sea days, then the game died...
    WC- started pre-World Map, then everything went downhill.

    My BP story series:
    https://www.kixeye.com/forum/discussion/202668
    https://www.kixeye.com/forum/discussion/239790
    https://www.kixeye.com/forum/discussion/466086 (in progress).

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