Letter Openers

Yard
Yard
Unicorn Overlord
Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948

So today I was opening a letter, and it really got to me how awkward it is to open neatly. I have to tear and scratch at the edges (it's worse because I have no fingernails) to open it slightly from one side, but then it tears and I have to start again. Repeat this process 5-10 times and I end up with something like this:




I know. Sickening. Because I'm such a horrendously boring person I got thinking about this for a few minutes and this happens to me pretty much every time I open a letter. 


And I hate it.


So I was thinking of getting a letter opener. I used to think letter openers were useless tools, but I really see their appeal now (first world problems, I know). Have any of you ever owned a letter opener? Did it solve your postal difficulties? Do share.


A picture of a letter opener for the less enlightened:



Got any good letter opening stories? Probably not, because then you'd live an even duller life than I. But if you do, please share.


Oh, and where's the cheapest place to get a letter opener? Your advice may save me from shopping around.

image
  • Ascension
    Ascension
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Mar 2012 Posts: 26,257

    I had a nice set of letter openers I got in Japan back in '97. I lost them a few years ago while moving, though.


    Opening letters with a mini-Katana was enjoyable.

    Forum banned by a hypocrite at Kixeye.

  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948
    Ascension said:

    I had a nice set of letter openers I got in Japan back in '97. I lost them a few years ago while moving, though.


    Opening letters with a mini-Katana was enjoyable.

    Sounds cool. It's a shame they were lost though. Were they useful? Did they prevent mangled envelopes?
    image
  • Ben Palmer
    Ben Palmer
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Apr 2011 Posts: 14,383

    I have seen a letter opener in action but once. In fact, yesterday. I am currently doing work experience in a solicitor's office. The solicitor sent me to copy some files which had previously been copied but unfortunately for some reason needed to be copied again because... IDK, copying is cool. When I returned to his office having used the copier I found him opening a letter with a letter opener. As everyone knows letters are an obsolete method of communication and solicitors pretty much do everything by email so I questioned what the letter was about. 

    It turns out a kid named Chris at a local school had made many failed attempts to open various letters and become frustrated. His parents noted that he seemed to be showing early signs of insanity such as ticks and obsessively muttering under his breath but they ignored it. They also found him posting images of letter openers on an internet forum, almost ritually. They arranged for him to see a psychiatrist. However they were too late. Chris, driven insane by the fiddly letters that plagued his existence, purchased a letter opener for a different reason. He walked into a Post Office whereon he promptly stuck it into the Postmaster's neck. As people panicked and tried to escape he drew his crossbow - modified to fire only letter openers - and killed 25 employees. Chris was finally restrained when he slipped a pool of blood quickly spouting from one of his victims and knocked himself out. 

    It seems Chris' family hired this solicitor to help send official apologies to the victims' families for their family members having been killed in such an untimely fashion. They, haunted by their son's condition, vowed to create a charity which would distribute easy-opening letters and also help contribute to the bills of the families who died. However they also vowed to continue using letters as a method of communication. They stood up to the evil Zionist letters and said "No more!" and "You don't scare us!" and other such slogans. 

    And that is why the solicitor was opening a letter that day.

    RoyalGuard


  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948

    @Ben

    10/10 post, it really made my day  o:)

    What kind of post office has 25 employees though? Is this actually normal? I wouldn't know, as I live in a countryside town with a tiny post office.

    image
  • Ben Palmer
    Ben Palmer
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Apr 2011 Posts: 14,383
    edited 22 Oct 2013, 6:41PM
    Yard said:

    @Ben

    10/10 post, it really made my day  o:)

    What kind of post office has 25 employees though? Is this actually normal? I wouldn't know, as I live in a countryside town with a tiny post office.

    You'd probably find over 200 employees in a large sorting office.

    image
    RoyalGuard


  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948

    I wasn't really thinking of sorting offices... do they count? I don't know. It doesn't matter anyway.

    image
  • Shane McKenna
    Shane McKenna
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Sep 2012 Posts: 6,314

    This thread contains too many mod posts  :)

    I have one of these, although I am quite good at opening with my fingers

    image


  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948

    This thread contains too many mod posts  :)

    I have one of these, although I am quite good at opening with my fingers


    A duck letter opener? Cool! I've seen a few designs when I was looking on Google for one to post on this thread, mainly swords and stuff though. I'm more about functionality than looks myself though.
    image
  • Ben Palmer
    Ben Palmer
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Apr 2011 Posts: 14,383
    edited 22 Oct 2013, 7:28PM

    To be honest I have problems with letters only in 2 circumstances. 1 if I know they have money in them because gib monies plox. 2 if they are sealed with duct tape. I have 1 relative who seals both letters and presents (usually a board game from the 60s because they are out of touch) with duct tape. Why Auntie Lynn? Why?

    RoyalGuard


  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948

    I really want a letter opener as a gift this Christmas. I'd ask you guys to mail me one, but the irony would kill me.

    image
  • Q Rich
    Q Rich
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined May 2010 Posts: 37,470

    Letter Openers I picked one up there a while ago. Though not sure I'll ever use it. 

    Please do not contact me directly by Chat or via posts on my profile page. If I cannot deal with it on the forums, it should be taken straight to Support.
  • al244098
    al244098
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Oct 2011 Posts: 4,162
    I don't even get letters anymore, so letter opener usage is obsolete


  • D3L7A
    D3L7A
    Force to be Reckoned With
    Joined May 2013 Posts: 1,792
    edited 24 Oct 2013, 10:26AM

    I haven't seen such an envelope in years! Looks like something from a history book.

    War Commander level: 29, Home Sector : 265.  Ater Honos Forum Officer
    Event/Sickle Prizes: Plasma Turret, Gladiator, Shock Trooper, FAV, Hellstorm, Hellfire, Gatling Truck, Attack Dog, Stinger,Elite Riflemen , Honey Badger, Colossus

    Next event unit LEAK!!: https://www.kixeye.com/forum/discussion/402782
    See my Unit Parodies for a laugh: https://www.kixeye.com/forum/discussion/396069

    Turtling is not a strategy, It's a weakness 
  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948
    edited 24 Oct 2013, 3:18PM
    al244098 said:
    I don't even get letters anymore, so letter opener usage is obsolete

    D3L7A said:

    I haven't seen such an envelope in years! Looks like something from a history book.

    You're making me feel old. And I'm not old. 

    Thanks for that site Rich.
    image
  • D3L7A
    D3L7A
    Force to be Reckoned With
    Joined May 2013 Posts: 1,792

    That letter opener might be useful as a concealed weapon. My Folding Ceramic knife is great, but If I get caught with it, it'll be too suspicious. But who carries a letter opener with him nowadays? It might be more suspicious than the Knife!

    War Commander level: 29, Home Sector : 265.  Ater Honos Forum Officer
    Event/Sickle Prizes: Plasma Turret, Gladiator, Shock Trooper, FAV, Hellstorm, Hellfire, Gatling Truck, Attack Dog, Stinger,Elite Riflemen , Honey Badger, Colossus

    Next event unit LEAK!!: https://www.kixeye.com/forum/discussion/402782
    See my Unit Parodies for a laugh: https://www.kixeye.com/forum/discussion/396069

    Turtling is not a strategy, It's a weakness 
  • Ben Palmer
    Ben Palmer
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Apr 2011 Posts: 14,383
    Yard said:
    You're making me feel old. And I'm not old. 

    Dunno mate. You're pretty old by Ethiopian standards
    RoyalGuard


  • blizzo.dees
    blizzo.dees
    Skilled Warrior
    Joined Nov 2013 Posts: 354

    Lmfao yard I'm glad I looked this up 

  • Wyvern The PinkiePie
    Wyvern The PinkiePie
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Oct 2011 Posts: 3,759
    Letter opener? Check. :3

    image
  • Q Rich
    Q Rich
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined May 2010 Posts: 37,470

    Nice. is it available online to buy?

    Please do not contact me directly by Chat or via posts on my profile page. If I cannot deal with it on the forums, it should be taken straight to Support.
  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948

    Nice. is it available online to buy?

    I too would like to know this. If I don't get one for christmas I'd like to buy one myself.

    image
  • The Whaler
    The Whaler
    Force to be Reckoned With
    Joined Feb 2012 Posts: 1,842

    i have a letter opener with an anchor handle, was alright but i thought it could be improved so i sharpened it and it's more of a dagger now :D

    Keep your friends close and your enemies within range of your primary weapon
    image
  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948
    Relevant yet shameless (and Shaneless  :'() necro-bump, but I'm still lacking a letter opener and they seem so expensive for what they are. I would feel classy using one though, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be. Would a simple sharp substitute work similar wonders to the 'real deal'? Any of you have any letter-opener-related shenanigans? I sincerely hope not. But do share.
    image
  • No..Beard
    No..Beard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Jun 2010 Posts: 3,792
    I use a 'modern' design:

    It works a treat, and can't accidentally stab you.
    I have taken this in my carry-on briefcase on a plane with no worries.

    It is also useful in the kitchen to open bags of anything neatly, such as brown sugar, salad, milk (yes in Canada we bag our milk)

    Some of them come with a magnet for fridge-sticking


    BP ID: 1038         WC ID: 1476        VC ID: 18589     Tome ID: 3698   

    image

  • Q Rich
    Q Rich
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined May 2010 Posts: 37,470
    No..Beard said:
    I use a 'modern' design:

    It works a treat, and can't accidentally stab you.
    I have taken this in my carry-on briefcase on a plane with no worries.

    It is also useful in the kitchen to open bags of anything neatly, such as brown sugar, salad, milk (yes in Canada we bag our milk)

    Some of them come with a magnet for fridge-sticking


    I do like that.
    Please do not contact me directly by Chat or via posts on my profile page. If I cannot deal with it on the forums, it should be taken straight to Support.
  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948
    Q Rich said:
    No..Beard said:
    I use a 'modern' design:

    It works a treat, and can't accidentally stab you.
    I have taken this in my carry-on briefcase on a plane with no worries.

    It is also useful in the kitchen to open bags of anything neatly, such as brown sugar, salad, milk (yes in Canada we bag our milk)

    Some of them come with a magnet for fridge-sticking


    I do like that.
    Ditto.
    image
  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948
    Never thought I'd necro this thread again, but hurrip, hurrah, I got a letter opener for Christmas. Shaped like a sword, badass as hell. Yet to use it, but I'm optimistic that my envelopes will forevermore be unsullied, which makes filing this stuff away much easier.
    image
  • No..Beard
    No..Beard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Jun 2010 Posts: 3,792
    edited 27 Dec 2015, 9:02PM
    Yard said:
    Never thought I'd necro this thread again, but hurrip, hurrah, I got a letter opener for Christmas. Shaped like a sword, badass as hell. Yet to use it, but I'm optimistic that my envelopes will forevermore be unsullied, which makes filing this stuff away much easier.

    There can be only one pic for a thread necro on this topic:




    Did it look like this?



    BP ID: 1038         WC ID: 1476        VC ID: 18589     Tome ID: 3698   

    image

  • Yard
    Yard
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Nov 2010 Posts: 11,948
    I wish it did, nice find. It just looks like a regular old sword, maybe I'll post a pic when I have time.
    image
  • Sniker
    Sniker
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Apr 2011 Posts: 3,456
    youre still on here?
    long time no see yard (this does not relate to the thread whatsoever but eh), anyone from the 2010-2012 days still on?

    Hello, Signature Readers!
    Backyard Monsters Player - Level 44 - Level 10 Town Hall - Never Playing Again....
    Battle Pirates Player - Level 17 - Never Play the Game unless asked to!
    War Commander Player - Level 26 - Rarely ever play this game anymore!
    VEGA Conflict Player - Level 28 - Usually playing this Game, Section 2200!
    BYM: Unleashed Player - Will start playing New Year, require an iPod Charger atm, lol!








Sign In or Register to comment.