The Joke Topic

Cyanide Sandwich
Cyanide Sandwich
Incursion Leader
Joined Feb 2012 Posts: 1,161
Alright, post the best jokes you have here, and let's see who's can make you piss yourself laughing. I'll start off with mine.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!
Battle Pirates
In-game name: Cyanide Sandwich              
Home Sector: 21                                          Ship Design Discussion Group (Open to all): https://www.facebook.com/groups/118022991724717/
KIXEYE logic is the only logic and you ain't never logic'd till you've KIXEYE logic'd.

  • Skyfall drac2
    Skyfall drac2
    Unicorn Overlord
    Joined Feb 2012 Posts: 3,173
    Lol, now that would be embarrasing


    "Everything is OK in the end, if it's not OK, then it's not the end."

  • Cyanide Sandwich
    Cyanide Sandwich
    Incursion Leader
    Joined Feb 2012 Posts: 1,161
    Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.
    "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
    "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
    "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
    When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"
    Battle Pirates
    In-game name: Cyanide Sandwich              
    Home Sector: 21                                          Ship Design Discussion Group (Open to all): https://www.facebook.com/groups/118022991724717/
    KIXEYE logic is the only logic and you ain't never logic'd till you've KIXEYE logic'd.

  • Hotchy
    Hotchy
    Minor Nuisance
    Joined Jan 2012 Posts: 166
    Q: whats the speed limit of sex?
    A: 68, because at 69 you've gotta turn around
    B-Rad  LVL 74


    "Stop your ****, take out your tampon and man the hell up"
Sign In or Register to comment.